Wednesday, October 10, 2012



The day I have been dreading since my water broke at the hospital. 

Back to work.

I knew this day would come.  I knew we couldn't afford to have me stay at home with Cooper forever.  But I honestly secretly hoped that we would find a way.  That our bills would somehow magically diminish.  The love I have for my son from the second he was born cannot be put into words.  How could I leave him all day?  Why would I?

Mark and I went back and forth on this decision.  But I could see our finances causing stress in our marriage.  Causing stress in Mark.  And I hated it.  I hated how he would come home and sign onto our bank account...I would leave the room.  He would get so flustered.  Me going back to work was the right choice in black and white.  However in my grey world of motherhood, it wasn't.  And it killed me.

I wish I could stay home with him.  I wish I didn't have to share him.  Ever.  It sounds so incredibly selfish and almost crazy, right?  But I can't be the only mom to have felt this way. 

But because I love him so much and want to be able to provide him with everything he could ever need I have to go work.  If I ever want to have a penny saved for his future, work it is.  And I was so worried and anxious for today.  Turns out - for no reason!

He smiled when I dropped him.  I smiled when I got to work.  Adults wanted to talk to me!  It was entirely refreshing!  And then I picked him up, and I got the hugest smile from him.  Perfect.

I constantly do this to myself.  I psych myself out about stuff all the time and this happened to be the worst.  I love him more today than I did yesterday, but somehow I was able to leave him and enjoy myself.  All while making money!

I can only hope I continue to feel this way because I think it will work for us.  I think we can do it - and we will.

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